fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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