Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
