We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I fill condoms, not promises.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
