I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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