I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
