My girlfriend figured out who you are.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
