does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
