If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
