I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
