So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
