bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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