glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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