If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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