I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
