ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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