I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
