My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
