Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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