I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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