Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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