I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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