; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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