dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
