To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
