I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
