I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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