I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
