i think my tv is drunk
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
