You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
