You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
