when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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