so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
