Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
