the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
