remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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