Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
