She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize