Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize