question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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