There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I look better un-naked...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
