I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
