yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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