Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am available for nakedness
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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