dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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