your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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