I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
