Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
