My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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