I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
