I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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