I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
