Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
