i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
