you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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