I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My vagina is officially offended.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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