i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
