i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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