This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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