Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
