My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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