Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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